Thank you for meeting me beside the pool today. When I opened the sliding glass door and stepped out onto the concrete, I had no idea You would be there. I just knew that my world was crazy and I craved peace.
At first I noticed the sounds. I heard the rippling of the water as it cycled through the filter. I heard the chirp of the birds. I heard people driving their cars on the road. I heard women walking by on the sidewalk, talking about their lives. It reminded me of me. Always moving.
I looked out over the backyard where my children play. It brought sadness because I’m often too busy to join them. I looked out over the pool where my family gathers. It brought regret because I’m often too preoccupied to relax. I’m always trying to find a purpose to what I am doing. Be productive, be productive, be productive.
Then I noticed her sitting in the corner chair. It was just a vision in my mind, I know, but it felt so real. Intentional. Purposeful. It wasn’t a stranger sitting there. It was me.
We were identical except for the energy that surrounded us. My soul felt like a raging storm. But she was a picture of softness, calm, and acceptance. I somehow knew that this was a woman who believed in her worthiness regardless of the world spinning chaotically all around her. She loved herself. I could feel it and it drew me to her. She was able sit with herself and be completely honest and entirely peaceful all at the same time.
I knew she was me, but I also knew she was You. Because I don’t look like that right now. This version of me is a glimpse of what it would be like to live as one who fully embraced Your love. You know I want to do that, but it’s so hard for me. I’ve known all my life that You love me, Jesus. But I’ve struggled to believe it. I want to stand firm in Your love and be unshakeable in it. But that resolve is elusive for me. Why?
It’s because I don’t love myself. I’ve known that for awhile now and it’s been a hard truth for me to accept. I haven’t known what to do about it. I haven’t known how to begin to change it. So You showed up here at my house beside my pool today so I could experience myself at peace. So I could feel Your invitation to see myself the way You see me. I can have this peace. It’s mine to claim. It will take practice, of course. But it is possible. I can learn to believe in my worthiness and offer myself love.
The world called to me, and it was time to respond. But I left with a new promise that I can carry with me everywhere. I have a choice. When my day presses in and I am troubled, I can grant myself grace instead of criticism. When my interactions with people are imperfect and I feel unlovable, I can grant myself mercy instead of contempt. You are inviting me to offer myself the same love that flows so freely from You. I am worthy of love. From You and from me.
It’s going to take awhile for me to understand all of this. I’m sure I will take steps toward it and I will take steps away from it. But I won’t ever forget this day. The day You showed me how to begin a journey to live at greater peace with myself. I know You will walk with me and remind me often that I am Yours and I am loved. Thank you.